sunrise sunrise…

Often times, when I step outside in the fresh air to take a break, I experience this profound sense of well-being. Something about the trees and the open skies, especially when it is a clear day is such balm to the soul. Its this knowledge that we are such a tiny part of this universe and how amazing it is that we can experience the universe through our own tiny experiences. The horizons, the cool air, the breeze, the possibilities, it holds such magic for me.

Some mornings these days, I manage to catch the sunrise. The sun rises just opposite our window in the guest bedroom, so I wake up, get a cup of milk and sit there watching the sun with a book. Every time I look up and see the change coursing across the skies, I’m awash with gratitude at the sheer beauty of it. Then the day takes its usual course and I sort of forget the magic, till I’m outside again and I remember the morning, how special it was. It makes me smile all over again.

How precious these few moments that bring us alive. What would life be without these small moments ? May we have many countless more of them…

with Love, S.

Not Knowing…

Have you experienced ‘not knowing’ ? Not knowing whats happening or whats going to happen? We all have been in moments when we decidedly know we are not in control. Someone else is driving the bus and the bus is not going on any road we know. At times like this, most of us like to zone out. Being with not knowing is a very difficult thing to do.

Not being in control is frustrating enough that we don’t like to experience it. At least most of us don’t, me included. Of course, we get through it. we bite our lips, tell ourselves rational explanations of all sorts, everything except actually experiencing not knowing. How does not knowing feel ? Intimately understanding this experience that is so likely to visit us over and over again in life has so much to teach us. There is something so vulnerable and deep about it that goes to the human condition. Life itself a big game of not knowing, only we manage to fool ourselves that we actually know something, just so we get on with day to day life. This experience of not knowing, here is our chance for exploration. How does not knowing feel in the body. How does anxiety feel ? Is it really that scary ? How long does it last ? Can we sustain our attention on this experience that is reminiscent of death itself. For it is death. Death of perceptions and ideas, and a new beginning of understanding.

These are all questions I ask myself as I face yet another time in life of not knowing, a time pregnant with possibilities…

May we be grateful for these opportunities to live…Lines from a poem by Antonio Machado: ‘Beyond living and dreaming there is something more important: waking up.’ May we trust in our capacity to become awake.

with metta,
Shuba.

surrender

A joy lights up inside
the instant the hand releases
the tight grasp of a desire
such release ensues
such tender peace

no sooner that you savor
the taste of unexpected rain
another one appears
to give you company
to test you once again

such is life, an endless test
of what it is that you believe
if you are in the slightest doubt
without doubt, you will face
the question that forces you to faith

how strange this life we live
so full of surprises
you think you know something,
a secret. then you realize
there is no secret. that is the secret.

the beauty on the wayside…

This poem is dedicated to every one of us on a spiritual journey seeking the truth and liberation. may we find freedom!
with metta, S.

————————————–

I have known Love
in those eyes waking, gazing
in whom I wish to reside forever

I have known Magic
in the stars of the Night
and the full moon Light

I have known Joy
in the music of Life
and the dance of the sunset

I have known Kindness
from this Earth I walk on
all encompassing, forgiving, embracing

I have known Care
By a wonderful Dear friend
my soul- whispers and delights

I have known Courage
To sit with Doubt and Fear
and willing to face them with fire

I have known Wisdom
Of letting go
Of things I love most

I have known grace
from the Sun’s Light
and the Love of loved ones

I have known Life
through this breath – this one
and this one, and this one.

living the truth…

Sometimes I want to record all these amazing things that happen in my life. conversations I have with my dearest friends. moments of love and beauty. I think thats why I write. some record of my life, so that if ever I lose my memory, I can look at something that tells me what my life has been like. and yet … no words could ever reveal the truth of our experiences.

there is so much that happens in life. every day, every moment. and it is always about us! every experience is what we bring into this universe. we project our ideas and thoughts on to others but in reality it is always our mind and our experience. and that is where the truth lies. the truth is different in every moment for every person. there is no absolute truth. and that is why the truth can only be known by direct experience. this is why Buddha told us never to believe anyone, but to learn through our own experience.

what is the truth really ? so many layers to it. imagine I react to a situation with judgement. by being present, I realize that I am in fact judging. and that what I am experiencing is because of this judgement. this is the truth then. but then I can go underneath and find out why I judge. what past actions have resulted in this pattern. I see the reason why (another truth) and I have compassion (another truth). now where in all this is the actual event taking place ? and who is to say that the experience should have been different ? everything happens just as it does. and the truth lies when we are willing to show up for it. so many layers to this.

and the more present we are, the more opportunities for learning, joy, intimacy, wisdom our experience contains. it unfolds. nothing in the outside has changed, but we start living the truth.

and sometimes, on days like this, I want to record every moment of it. what if… ? that day too will come. but words can never describe what each of us experience in a day in a lifetime. look at the stars above in the perfect constellations of Orion. have you seen anything this beautiful ? or mid-afternoon cloudy skies with just the glint of sunlight through, shining among the roofs and the birch trees. the chill on your body when you step outside, waking you up to fresh air. the ground under your feet and this body that connects you to heaven.

how can we ever record all of this ? but that doesn’t mean I can’t try I am a human being after all, naive enough to try. simply because it makes my heart feel good – sharing my life and my experience. putting it out there. a voice among many voices. one experience among many. one river in this stream of consciousness.

with profound amazement at this experience of being human,
with Love, S.

Bird wings…

Why is it that by simply sitting and watching the breath rise and fall, we learn so much about ourselves ? It never fails to amaze me.

I’m one of those types who generally goes after what I like, with a rigid determination of wanting. especially if what I want makes me feel good. (I’m going to call this the ‘wanting complex’). there are different types of folks: some who try and turn away from what they don’t like (aversion complex). some who give up what they really like (marytr complex) and those who seek what doesn’t make them feel good! (double aversion complex ? ). Its generally one or more of these that drives the car. we just usually don’t know which one.

wanting is one of my things. This time I noticed with startling clarity that whenever I come back from a retreat, I try my best to hang on to the experience. if its a yoga retreat, I’ll do yoga everyday for the next couple of months. If its a good meal, I’ll try and replicate the meal on my next given chance. Its just how I am. something I don’t always see. not that wanting is a bad thing. Endearing even, when we look at the ways we and loved ones act from wanting.

Isn’t this the human condition ? colored by our emotions and our past, we act in ways we don’t really know. and by the simple practice of watching the breath rise and fall, we learn mindfulness. mindfulness allows a pause in between. we start seeing. and when we start seeing, we need a tremendous amount of compassion to be able to stay with what is.

One of the Rumi poems I love called ‘Bird Wings’ says:
‘Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
if it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.’

Wisdom. Perhaps this opening and closing of the heart is natural. and can we see this as it unfolds ?

Being who I am (the wanting complex, remember! ), I sit diligently in meditation. I practice. I try hard to be present. and every once in a while, I get a glimpse – of effortlessness. things just happen and I can just be. relax. there is no need to try anymore. Just like the breath. there is no need to try. breath happens. we just show up!

‘Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.’ (Rumi, ‘bird wings’ )

may we enjoy the beauty of the heart!
with Love, S.

grateful…

Thanksgiving weekend. without planning to, I found myself face to face with gratitude.

We spent the thanksgiving holiday in Boston, a city vacation. not my favorite kind, but a last minute deal and not wanting to face the vagaries of travel, this was a perfect getaway, a bus ride away. mostly it rained, and we walked. Thinking that I could lose all the calories from the desserts by walking everywhere, I told my hubby that Boston was a ‘walking city’. and he acquiesced. so we walked everywhere in the rain! not the best thing to do, an adventure nonetheless. we mused on indian food and its myriad plays with the digestive system we toured the John F. Kennedy Presidential museum, inspired by his speeches and the time. We went shopping on Newbury street and ate Thai food. We laughed at a crazy hindi movie called dhe dhana dhan and stopped ourselves from wondering why we were watching the movie in the first place. we ate kulfi made by my sister. a wonderful massage at the spa nearby was just what I needed.

In all the fun, gratitude didn’t play a major part. I knew we were having a good time, and I was grateful, don’t get me wrong. but it was a forced kind of gratitude. the sort you tell yourself you feel, but mostly you take for granted. On the final day, we were shopping for a winter coat for me. and we found a beautiful royal blue one. really gorgeous. and bought it. after paying a hefty amount, and back outside, I wondered how I could spend this insane amount of money on a coat when so many had none. so many people had no food, and here I was nonchalantly buying a coat. did I really need it ? more than that, I found myself asking, did I deserve it ? what gave me the right to own this and not those thousands out there who are poor ? It didn’t feel good. I was walking along musing when suddenly it hit me. gratitude. I looked at my shoes, waterproof that they were. coat in my hand. scarf on my neck. warm. and I said a silent thank you. thank you. at this moment, I’m grateful. to be warm and dry. and know I have my next meal. thank you.

with gratitude, S.

Knowing that which is known…

Raga Des has always been one of my favorites. When the tune of Des starts out, you sit up. you think, I know this tune! it is so familiar! I have heard this before. and as the tune continues, you realize that you do know it. you come to know what it is that you know. the knowing. of home.

knowing that which you know. that is really the practice of mindfulness. bringing the hidden into the open. the depths to the surface. when we listen through our sense doors, when we pay attention, we start to be there as life unfolds…and we come to know all the things that are already part of us. a wordless sense of knowing. how does one describe it ? its when you see the sun setting, the pink sky, the trees rising up against the horizon. and you know without doubt that this is beauty. this is gratitude. you know. deep in your bones. you don’t need any explanation.

I wonder if that is why, the saints and monks use so much of language about nature in their poems. in the nature, we touch that knowing. this kind of knowing changes us.

I think of the most amazing uplifting life-changing experiences of my life, and the common thread has been this luminous presence of awareness. being present. as if I emptied my mind completely and showed up without expectations. willing to be changed by what came about. that is what we are urged to do, in every moment. to be willing to be changed by our experience. Of course its not easy. but it is possible. the more we practice, the more we show up. the more we truly are. whatever our experience is. can we be one with that sunset ? with that music ? with that Love ? with that ecstasy ? with that pain ? can we touch that knowing inside of us ? Can we change in every moment ?

wishing us courage on this journey,
with Love, S.

just beyond words…

is there a word for space
or light ?
pure sensation
wide open

I make the leap
from language
to being
words happen
and I watch
gratefully
like watching rain
outside the window

beautiful precious
sparkling
the rain ends
there is silence
the wet ground
the glistening light
stillness
and peace.

with gratitude, S.

The light of the dark…

The dark places. we have all seen them, been in them. and we know. the dark gets pretty dark. and lonely. and yet…necessary. for without the dark, how can we appreciate the light ? the light we take oh! so for granted.

When we are in the dark, we forget that the dark is really the other side of light. the light of understanding. for in the dark, we really have an opportunity to understand something about ourselves, that we don’t see in the light.

perhaps it is the courage we have in the dark of fear. perhaps Love in the dark of loneliness. the spirit in the depths of doubt. the acceptance in the depths of uncertainty. something to hold on to, that arises from the depths of the dark and leads us to the light. it is always there, but more so in the dark. and this becomes visible. somehow the light of the dark illuminates our deepest being and brings the hidden into the open.

it is hard when you are in the dark places in life, to know that it is simply what it is. a necessity, and a fact of life. not as a way to grinding our teeth and getting through it, but as simple and elementary as the breath having an in and an out. and that knowledge comes in handy. last evening, in yoga, a wave of deep longing for my home, my childhood, all the things that I loved about my past came up. it wasn’t images, it was a deep ache for that which has passed. and somehow in the wake of the pain, a knowing spontaneously arose: ah. longing. this is what longing feels like. and staying with it that way allowed me to be with it. and see it end. and joy arise. for there is always both. the fact of life. the in and out of the breath.

the light and the dark. which is which becomes unclear as we start dancing with both. A quote I read recently: ‘life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. it is about learning to dance in the rain’.

with Love, S.