just beyond words…

is there a word for space
or light ?
pure sensation
wide open

I make the leap
from language
to being
words happen
and I watch
gratefully
like watching rain
outside the window

beautiful precious
sparkling
the rain ends
there is silence
the wet ground
the glistening light
stillness
and peace.

with gratitude, S.

The light of the dark…

The dark places. we have all seen them, been in them. and we know. the dark gets pretty dark. and lonely. and yet…necessary. for without the dark, how can we appreciate the light ? the light we take oh! so for granted.

When we are in the dark, we forget that the dark is really the other side of light. the light of understanding. for in the dark, we really have an opportunity to understand something about ourselves, that we don’t see in the light.

perhaps it is the courage we have in the dark of fear. perhaps Love in the dark of loneliness. the spirit in the depths of doubt. the acceptance in the depths of uncertainty. something to hold on to, that arises from the depths of the dark and leads us to the light. it is always there, but more so in the dark. and this becomes visible. somehow the light of the dark illuminates our deepest being and brings the hidden into the open.

it is hard when you are in the dark places in life, to know that it is simply what it is. a necessity, and a fact of life. not as a way to grinding our teeth and getting through it, but as simple and elementary as the breath having an in and an out. and that knowledge comes in handy. last evening, in yoga, a wave of deep longing for my home, my childhood, all the things that I loved about my past came up. it wasn’t images, it was a deep ache for that which has passed. and somehow in the wake of the pain, a knowing spontaneously arose: ah. longing. this is what longing feels like. and staying with it that way allowed me to be with it. and see it end. and joy arise. for there is always both. the fact of life. the in and out of the breath.

the light and the dark. which is which becomes unclear as we start dancing with both. A quote I read recently: ‘life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. it is about learning to dance in the rain’.

with Love, S.

a cool breeze…

I remember reading in an article by Sylvia Boorstein about a saying she came across: ‘life is so hard, how can you be anything but kind…’

Life is hard. balancing all the things we do in a day, work, relationships, play, and managing to be safe and get through it and feel good is so difficult. for every one of us. and yet, what I can’t understand is, why we make it harder by being so hard on ourselves!

We are so good at turning something good about ourselves into something horrible. Words I heard from a friend who calls herself needy because her favorite moments of the day are when she is physically close to her children. Dah! that is part of being a mother and a human being. I love physical touch. the warmth of snuggling my toes on my dear one’s lap.

words from another loved one: ‘ I can’t afford to be tired! I need to get this done’.
words from me about a gift I got a loved one: ‘its nothing, …’ even though I had put in thoughtfulness and effort into it. just so many echoes of the same thing. aversion for our physical body and wanting to look a certain way. putting down ourselves. never receiving compliments because we don’t think we deserve them. self-judging, that becomes self-loathing.

it is the feeling and the touch, the sensing through our physical senses that makes us a human being and not a machine or robot. how we are needy. we need people. we need each other. we need affection and touch. all of us do. we are vulnerable. and we need unconditional love.

have you noticed when you are tired or in pain, how comforting a kind word is ? a smile, attention. how good that feels. that is how self-love can be. a cool breeze on a hot hot day. makes all the difference.

and people who don’t love themselves don’t make others feel good either. and when someone is not kind to us, we do have a choice : of compassion and deciding not to carry their emotions forward in us. we have a choice of love over hate.

this is every day life. we are good people. we deserve to feel good and be happy and kind. and that makes all the difference. when we are no longer judging, all that energy is freed up for other things. good things. try it out! it is a great journey and one that feels good!

with joy and possibilities, S.

orienting our attention towards our experience…

Life is a meditation. a journey of choice.
We can choose to pay attention to others, to what is happening outside, to the society and how we are supposed to be, and get our cues from there for doing the right thing. If you are a sensitive type like me, you have always been hyper aware of what people around you are feeling, and wanting Oh to do and say the the absolute right thing and to not hurt anyone. and that starts getting stressful after a while, so you start setting aside time to be with yourself away from the world, a place where you can truly be yourself.

there is another choice, another way to be, as I am starting to discover. To reorient our attention, to pay attention to the inside, to our own personal experience of how life is unfolding. focusing that sensitivity from the outside to the inside so that we can instead be mindful of our body and our experience. that also has the ability to wake us up and lead us to wise action, provided that the attention is inclined towards understanding, rather than judging.

when this shift happens, life starts to open up. there is no rejecting, since everything, every person, every relationship is a mirror for understanding. the truth is reflected everywhere. we no longer have to search. peace is right here in what is happening right now. not in some place else we go chasing after. we can wake up and be. it is in fact effortless. what helps is to reorient our attention, It is like you are a circle. all this while, you were keenly aware of the world unfolding outside the circle, so you could conform to the shape that felt comfortable. that usually means shrinking. Instead now, you pay attention to the inside of the circle. and as you start doing it, the circle starts expanding…to make space. and you start becoming larger and more spacious.

with this kind of mindfulness and receiving our inner experience, we learn to surrender to our inner experience, and to trust. to be rather than do. to live rather than run. to soften rather than judge. to be passionate and die a million deaths rather than hide for fear of hurting. and this naturally leads to a joy because we discover our own capability for wisdom, love and understanding.

living life in the true sense needs us to persevere, be courageous and grateful. what do we have to lose ? what is it that we can’t bear ? and how can that open our hearts to what we truly are ?

may we have the ability to be present and surrender to our life’s experiences.
with profound gratitude and metta, S.

fierce courtesy…

This week was amazing – a memorable one in my life. I must have done something pretty good in previous lifetimes! – I got to see Pt. Ravi Shankar play live in concert. and not just see and hear him, but do so sitting in the front row. It was something I would never have imagined to happen.
Seeing him play was witnessing the intimacy between a musician and his music. the intimacy, the connection, the joy. Rumi says in his poem called ‘fierce courtesy’:
‘The connection to the Friend
is secret and very fragile.
The image of that friendship
is how you love, the grace
and delicacy, the subtle talking
together, in full prostration,
outside of time.’

Witnessing this friendship is a gift that softens the heart. and time stops. in certain moments of his playing Khamaj, something happened in my heart for which there are no words. There seemed to be such joy in his being as if he was but an element through which divine grace in the form of music was happening. you knew there were no words to describe the experience, when a 7 year old behind me came out in the front and clapped voraciously there are no words to describe music!

intimacy is such a gift. this intimacy with ourselves, with what passes through us, from us, to us…it is a beautiful thing worth practicing for. when we can know our thoughts, our ideas, our physical sensations, our emotions first-hand, when we can sit there on the front seat and be with our experiences in life, we go beyond being present. therein is grace and beauty. compassion. creation. As a wonderful friend of mine reminded me, we create in every moment, when we participate and connect to our experience. we may not create like Pt. Ravi Shankar, but we can experience that joy nevertheless

may we have the profound compassion needed to show up for what is, accept and embrace things as they are.

with metta, S.

starting over…

We saw a really cool movie this weekend called ‘it might get loud’. It is a documentary about three guitarists: Jimmy Page, The edge and Jack white. There is a part in the movie where The edge from U2 talks about writing the song ’sunday bloody sunday’. He talks about how one day, he saw the tree trunks in the forest – and how they come together in line – and that moment when he had clarity – he could see things as they were. and he knew.

that moment resonated with me. clarity. one word. clarity was what I had in certain moments of the retreat. and stillness. one moment was when I saw deer outside my cabin. they were grazing. and they were unafraid. I held my breath hoping they wouldn’t run away. I was in the moment looking at them. to see deer free and unafraid and unhurried, is a sight unforgettable. I knew that is how my heart was. afraid and sensitive and ready to bolt, but also capable of being free and timeless.

The thing with clarity is it can’t be forced. it arises unbidden given the right conditions. a moment when you see things clearly and you have the equanimity to face what arises. in fact, everything about meditation is about not doing. about allowing what is deep within to surface. That’s why it is so difficult, because we are so used to controlling everything! how can we not do! ? Suzuki Roshi talks in his book Zen mind beginner’s mind about control: ‘to give your sheep or cow a large spacious meadow is the way to control him’. He talks about the mind and various images that come up: ‘let them come and let them go. then they will be under control. but this policy is not easy. it sounds easy, but it requires some special effort. how to make this kind of effort is the secret of the practice’.

the main secret in my practice is the starting over. Begining again moment after moment. letting the past and the future be and pay attention to now. Sometimes I think I know something. and then I suffer. and I realize I don’t know anything.

The edge talks in the movie about times when he comes to the guitar and there is nothing. and he says, you wonder if you are a good guitarist at all. Thats exactly what I felt in the past week. 10 days of meditation, and a long journey from CA to New England later, as I sat on my cushion at home, there was just blankness. I wondered if I knew anything. if I had learnt anything at all. And then I started over. a blank slate. my body. my breath. sending metta. beginning over. that is the practice. that is the life.

with metta, S.

opening…

Have you known pure joy ? the joy that arises in you and is not due to anything in particular. you just know that what you are feeling is a joy that has a touch of magic to it. that it is not dependent on things being a certain way. it just is. you know it will pass. and yet, it is here right now. that even your habitual tendencies of making yourself feel bad, judging, evaluating, all of these cower in the face of this pure joy. it just is. and it comes from a deep place of contentment that comes from stillness.

that is the joy of the practice of mindfulness and love, metta, that I have known. in my practice, on my retreat. the practice of choiceless awareness, of vipassana. I think I ‘get’ it, what the practice is about. it is the knowing that you don’t have any control over what comes up in life. can you find a way that allows you to be with whatever comes up ? and this way, that our lovely teacher Michele Mcdonald taught us, the way that resonated with my being, was through love. of knowing that things are the way they are because of love. everything is. and cannot exist without this love and this love allows us to be mindful and look underneath without judging. a new way of being. of receiving grace. Michele’s being radiates with this. and practicing this gave me a sense of deep peace and joy that seemed unshakeable.

how can I not attach to this! ? this glimpse of peace, the heart longs for more. ofcourse the heart longs for more. that is the human nature, wanting of more of that which is pleasant and a turning away from the unpleasant. and this too, we learn. coming back from retreat, the full force of my attachment hit me. and I am learning slowly to be with it. that is the practice, the starting over. again. of being.

may we abide in metta with life as it is, with joy and gratitude and compassion
with love, S.

busy mind…

getting ready to leave for a 10-day insight meditation retreat, my mind is so busy with concerns…insight seems far away.
every now and then, I take a deep breath and come back to the present moment. and there is a release. before my mind does its thing again.
I relax into those precious moments of wakefulness. I learn to start where I am.

with compassion,
S.

a simple life…

what do I know
about struggles
I live a simple life
I give thanks for
everything I have
I take time to breathe
I walk by the woods
I worship the goddess
I dance to music
I watch the trees dance
and I smile

and when I see a loved one
suffering, my heart softens
my eyes fill with compassion
and I reach out

I am not perfect
I make plenty of mistakes
I forget sometimes to be kind
I react sometimes in anger or hurt
sometimes I’m too busy to
pay attention and notice the things
that matter

and then I remember -
yes I lead a simple life
but I can feel what it is
to be hungry,
to be homeless
in pain and lonely

perhaps that is why I lead
a simple life
to be thankful
to enjoy the blessings I have
to spread some of the love around
and appreciate the goodness
I see around me in other hearts

random note…

some days, I want to pinch myself so I don’t forget what an opportunity suffering presents. if we can stay open instead of contracting when in the face of difficulty, we come a step closer to knowing ourselves and our true nature. that is the practice of mindfulness
with love, S.