Giving up the need to be perfect…

This is the best advice my counselor gave me when I went to her as an overwhelmed parent of four-month old. And it’s advice I continue to find invaluable.

The thing I’m learning, about being a parent, is that you make mistakes. There are many things you’ll do that you never thought you would. Like putting kitchen towels into the oven and forgetting about it and nearly burning the house down. Or breaking the side mirror of your car coming out of your own garage. Or hearing the fire alarm and rushing outside the house with your baby because you forgot that it was the day of the fire alarm testing. Or falling asleep at work, while in a meeting or reviewing a paper. It’s stuff you just wouldn’t do in your sane mind. And I’m not even talking about the baby stuff we mess up on!!

It’s funny when we are not in it. This giving up of our well defined structured and ‘tidy’ lives so that we may raise babies and voluntarily go through sleep deprivation and chaos. Clearly there has got to be a trade-off, even though it is not always obvious what that is .

The tradeoff is that we learn what it is to be human. We learn patience and endurance and the kind of unconditional love that we didn’t think we were capable of. We learn flexibility and giving up ‘I should’ and ‘I ought to’ because we have no choice. And we learn the possibility of joy and paying attention because we get to be around babies who don’t know that it can be otherwise.

We get to see things as if for the first time because that is what our babies are doing: seeing paper, grass, socks, teeth, feet, rain and more, for the first time. And they continue to do so everyday. And incredible as it may sound, witnessing this is much more exciting than reviewing a paper on functional near infrared imaging of the brain. (No wonder I fell asleep on that one!). This window of witnessing what it is like to not know the concept of time or gravity, to not experience fear or doubt, to know freedom of expressing yourself just as you are, this is the gift of parenthood. And it somehow makes up for all the hours of sleep we lose and all the neurosis we go through being a parent. Mary Oliver was right when she said, ‘most things that are important, lack a certain neatness’. Amen to that.

With Love,
Shuba

Wonder…

Baby Anjali is here. A few weeks of life-changing transitions, of becoming a Mother, caring for another. Not always easy, lots of moments for practice. And in the middle of this, there is wonder…

————————————–
what dreams beneath those sleeping eyes
that make you smile so
what secrets you carry in your fist
that closes and opens so

a puckering, a whimpering, a cry
then the most amazing smile
within moments, you show them all
a rainbow of life and joy

fluttering fingers like feathers
trembling feet soft as petals
the scent of milky white skin -
want to give you a thousand kisses

seeing you, this heart opens
a new being awakens
falling in love, a gentle rain
at long last this wait ends.

with Love, S.

Beginnings…

The Dance of Elephants
The Dance of Rain
The first snow of the season
The first colors change

The first taste of Ice cream
Cookies and jam
The first scent of lavender
Mistletoe and Jasmine

The first step you take
The first mittens you wear
The first cry of disappointment
And first consolation you get

Your first best friend
Your first Love
Your first vacation
Your first Moonlight

So much to look forward to
A lifetime of Joy
A tender heart full
Of Love and Delight!

The mind’s incorrigible ways…

It has been so interesting during my pregnancy to witness my thoughts about my growing body. For the longest time, I wished people would notice my belly, but with the kind of frame I had and the kind of flowy (comfy) clothes I wore, it didn’t seem very perceptible to the outside world. Some days I worried if I was gaining enough weight. Secretly I knew, everything was okay and baby and I were healthy and that is what mattered. But the mind has a will of its own…

And now in my seventh month, finally I’m starting to ‘show’ obviously. People greet me and ask me about my due date and about the heat and how I feel. I love it! And then somewhere is the lingering thought – am I gaining too much weight ?

Can’t help laughing when I think of it. In a nutshell, that is the nature of the mind. Jumping this way and that. Never satisfied and constantly comparing the status quo with the past or the future. Never completely surrendering to the present moment because we still cling on to the ideas that we didn’t even know existed. Our constant worry, dissatisfaction and clinging is what stands in the way – of peace and happiness.

And finally a moment of epiphany yesterday in my belly-dancing class which has a large mirror in front. As I was dancing, I took a moment to really notice, to really see how I looked. And surprising tears sprang to my eyes – how long I had waited for this moment! To show my body proudly, to announce to the world that I was carrying a child within. A moment of peace. Things are as they are. and there is beauty in this.

An interesting exercise to practice in the next few days – to be a silent witness to the ways of the mind without reacting or taking it personally. Can we simply notice the constant ‘burning’ of our mind? And would compassion then arise to comfort our hearts and remind us to be gentle? Join me.

With metta, S.

Paying attention to Joy…

I noticed recently that we don’t like talking about joy or happiness very much. We love talking about our problems.We also love hearing about others suffering. I was in the bookstore the other day and I was struck by the fact that most books in the ‘have you read’ and bestsellers section had to do with suffering of some kind. Suffering is important and it has the ability to open our hearts to compassion. And yet…

What about Joy ? We don’t often talk about what makes us happy or joyful, and when we were happy. Its like we assume that happiness and joy is simply a natural state of mind that we can take for granted. Nothing special. And yet, it is this state of mind that most of us long for. We pursue what we think is happiness. We long for joy. But we don’t pay very much attention to it.

If we didn’t pay attention to when we are joyful or happy, and what brings us that joy, how will we know when it happens ? Paying attention to joy sustains us, it balances us. It reminds us that there are good times as well as bad. And it nourishes us.

A few days ago, I read a beautiful paragraph by one of my teachers Doreen Schweizer. Titled “Cultivate Happiness and Awaken to Joy,” she wrote, “Moving toward happiness and contentment does not mean that we ignore the suffering around us. It means that, to the extent we can, we come face to face with it and respond wisely and kindly. Trust small steps: Look for joy in yourself and in those you share the world with. Notice dog joy, baby joy, student joy, teacher joy, old-person joy…… Notice how you feel right now. Is there joy?”

I loved these words, and the past few days, I have been holding it in my thoughts. As I walked into a surprisingly sunny spring like day in winter, I noticed my joy at sunshine. (I called it puppy joy, I felt like one! ) Doing yoga after a long time yesterday, I noticed how happy I felt in class. Small things like eating a mango, an unexpected phone call. My own generosity and good acts. It is a very rewarding practice. It’s also neat noticing other people’s joy. It makes your heart feel warm and naturally wish them well. People’s joyful moments are touching. How simple they are.

One of the magnets I came across sums it up: “Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

May we pay attention when that joy comes and sits softly on our shoulders…

with Joy, S.

Magic…

A tiny seed of life
is all it takes
to wake us up to
the miracle that is life

we live it everyday
and yet we forget
what magic is
we laugh at elves and fairies

ah! we are so smart!
that we forget the essential
breath is magic, can you explain?
heart beating, can you see ?

from a tiny seed, life grows
it is nothing short
of magic.

living the truth…

Sometimes I want to record all these amazing things that happen in my life. conversations I have with my dearest friends. moments of love and beauty. I think thats why I write. some record of my life, so that if ever I lose my memory, I can look at something that tells me what my life has been like. and yet … no words could ever reveal the truth of our experiences.

there is so much that happens in life. every day, every moment. and it is always about us! every experience is what we bring into this universe. we project our ideas and thoughts on to others but in reality it is always our mind and our experience. and that is where the truth lies. the truth is different in every moment for every person. there is no absolute truth. and that is why the truth can only be known by direct experience. this is why Buddha told us never to believe anyone, but to learn through our own experience.

what is the truth really ? so many layers to it. imagine I react to a situation with judgement. by being present, I realize that I am in fact judging. and that what I am experiencing is because of this judgement. this is the truth then. but then I can go underneath and find out why I judge. what past actions have resulted in this pattern. I see the reason why (another truth) and I have compassion (another truth). now where in all this is the actual event taking place ? and who is to say that the experience should have been different ? everything happens just as it does. and the truth lies when we are willing to show up for it. so many layers to this.

and the more present we are, the more opportunities for learning, joy, intimacy, wisdom our experience contains. it unfolds. nothing in the outside has changed, but we start living the truth.

and sometimes, on days like this, I want to record every moment of it. what if… ? that day too will come. but words can never describe what each of us experience in a day in a lifetime. look at the stars above in the perfect constellations of Orion. have you seen anything this beautiful ? or mid-afternoon cloudy skies with just the glint of sunlight through, shining among the roofs and the birch trees. the chill on your body when you step outside, waking you up to fresh air. the ground under your feet and this body that connects you to heaven.

how can we ever record all of this ? but that doesn’t mean I can’t try I am a human being after all, naive enough to try. simply because it makes my heart feel good – sharing my life and my experience. putting it out there. a voice among many voices. one experience among many. one river in this stream of consciousness.

with profound amazement at this experience of being human,
with Love, S.

grateful…

Thanksgiving weekend. without planning to, I found myself face to face with gratitude.

We spent the thanksgiving holiday in Boston, a city vacation. not my favorite kind, but a last minute deal and not wanting to face the vagaries of travel, this was a perfect getaway, a bus ride away. mostly it rained, and we walked. Thinking that I could lose all the calories from the desserts by walking everywhere, I told my hubby that Boston was a ‘walking city’. and he acquiesced. so we walked everywhere in the rain! not the best thing to do, an adventure nonetheless. we mused on indian food and its myriad plays with the digestive system we toured the John F. Kennedy Presidential museum, inspired by his speeches and the time. We went shopping on Newbury street and ate Thai food. We laughed at a crazy hindi movie called dhe dhana dhan and stopped ourselves from wondering why we were watching the movie in the first place. we ate kulfi made by my sister. a wonderful massage at the spa nearby was just what I needed.

In all the fun, gratitude didn’t play a major part. I knew we were having a good time, and I was grateful, don’t get me wrong. but it was a forced kind of gratitude. the sort you tell yourself you feel, but mostly you take for granted. On the final day, we were shopping for a winter coat for me. and we found a beautiful royal blue one. really gorgeous. and bought it. after paying a hefty amount, and back outside, I wondered how I could spend this insane amount of money on a coat when so many had none. so many people had no food, and here I was nonchalantly buying a coat. did I really need it ? more than that, I found myself asking, did I deserve it ? what gave me the right to own this and not those thousands out there who are poor ? It didn’t feel good. I was walking along musing when suddenly it hit me. gratitude. I looked at my shoes, waterproof that they were. coat in my hand. scarf on my neck. warm. and I said a silent thank you. thank you. at this moment, I’m grateful. to be warm and dry. and know I have my next meal. thank you.

with gratitude, S.

fierce courtesy…

This week was amazing – a memorable one in my life. I must have done something pretty good in previous lifetimes! – I got to see Pt. Ravi Shankar play live in concert. and not just see and hear him, but do so sitting in the front row. It was something I would never have imagined to happen.
Seeing him play was witnessing the intimacy between a musician and his music. the intimacy, the connection, the joy. Rumi says in his poem called ‘fierce courtesy’:
‘The connection to the Friend
is secret and very fragile.
The image of that friendship
is how you love, the grace
and delicacy, the subtle talking
together, in full prostration,
outside of time.’

Witnessing this friendship is a gift that softens the heart. and time stops. in certain moments of his playing Khamaj, something happened in my heart for which there are no words. There seemed to be such joy in his being as if he was but an element through which divine grace in the form of music was happening. you knew there were no words to describe the experience, when a 7 year old behind me came out in the front and clapped voraciously there are no words to describe music!

intimacy is such a gift. this intimacy with ourselves, with what passes through us, from us, to us…it is a beautiful thing worth practicing for. when we can know our thoughts, our ideas, our physical sensations, our emotions first-hand, when we can sit there on the front seat and be with our experiences in life, we go beyond being present. therein is grace and beauty. compassion. creation. As a wonderful friend of mine reminded me, we create in every moment, when we participate and connect to our experience. we may not create like Pt. Ravi Shankar, but we can experience that joy nevertheless

may we have the profound compassion needed to show up for what is, accept and embrace things as they are.

with metta, S.

a simple life…

what do I know
about struggles
I live a simple life
I give thanks for
everything I have
I take time to breathe
I walk by the woods
I worship the goddess
I dance to music
I watch the trees dance
and I smile

and when I see a loved one
suffering, my heart softens
my eyes fill with compassion
and I reach out

I am not perfect
I make plenty of mistakes
I forget sometimes to be kind
I react sometimes in anger or hurt
sometimes I’m too busy to
pay attention and notice the things
that matter

and then I remember -
yes I lead a simple life
but I can feel what it is
to be hungry,
to be homeless
in pain and lonely

perhaps that is why I lead
a simple life
to be thankful
to enjoy the blessings I have
to spread some of the love around
and appreciate the goodness
I see around me in other hearts