Confessions…

I’m terrible with change. I hate that moment when things were going great and suddenly they aren’t any more. The moment (like this morning), when after peace and contentment, suddenly I’m face-to-face with irritation, anger, frustration, without any warning and left wondering where that joy inside of me disappeared. The moments when I thought I had it all orchestrated perfectly in my head, like a soap opera, and suddenly nothing is going my way. Moments when it looks sunny outside and I decide to go for a walk, only to find a cold breeze blowing my head off, making me wish I had stayed home. Moments when I want to be generous and leave a tip at the cafe only to find that I am out of cash. Moments when I want to tell the yoga teacher how great she was, but am afraid I can’t trust my voice to not break down into tears that I have no explanation for. Moments when I am bone tired after teaching an evening Math class and really just want to have a P&B sandwich, and crash. Instead I sit with hubby and eat lovingly prepared dinner and watch television, all the while resenting it and then judging myself for resenting it. And just before going to bed, hubby tells me that Steve Jobs is no more. That moment when I feel like screaming – why did you have to tell me that now! How am I going to sleep!! Because the fact is Steve Jobs is dead is so sad that I just want to cry, even though I have never met him in my life.

I can’t help thinking we create So much Drama in our lives, simply because we don’t like change. We don’t like it when we can’t control things, and when things don’t go our way (which we are convinced is the ‘right’ way). We hate it when we see someone in pain and there is nothing we can do about it.

That’s why we practice. That’s why in those moments, we try really really hard to take just one breath. and just one more. We tell ourselves – this is what anger feels like. this is what irritation feels like. This is what judgment feels like. We search desperately for that small ounce of kindness buried somewhere inside us. And we try hard to find where and sometimes, what is compassion in that moment. And slowly, surely, inevitably, we find that the judgment, anger and frustration are there no more.

The emotions will never stop coming. That’s what I’m realizing (to my disappointment). It simply is not possible – having emotions – the entire range, is part and parcel of being a human being. If we get angry, that doesn’t mean we have failed. It simply means, well, that we are angry. Being able to be open to that, and accepting and kind is what we endeavor to do in this practice. and we have keep practicing – sometimes for endless difficult moments, like being huddled in a tiny shack under the storm. And without knowing it, the storm ends. The sun comes out. and we are still standing. and so is the hut.

May we continue to be human…
with Love, S.

The flow of life…

When we make room to be imperfect and to make mistakes, we tap into this universal feeling in the world that sometimes we can’t be on top of everything. Sometimes, the human side of us that is vulnerable and overwhelmed comes to the top. Much as we would like to ignore that side of us and pretend that everything is great, that side is very much present, and today – demands attention. When we make room for that to happen, we start truly living where we no longer try to control what we can and cannot experience; instead we embrace everything that comes along: the hurt and the judgments as well as the love and the generosity.

This is a relief really, because we no longer have to pretend to be in control! We can then surrender to the current flowing around us, and let our inner soul guide us to see the choices we do have: how can we be kind and loving and open in the face of this uncertainty of life in each day – the roof falling when we need it the most, or the lack of water when we get really thirsty. When we embrace this too as one of life’s vicissitudes, that is when the skies rain water and the clouds provide the mist for our protection …

What a relief it is to acknowledge the truth of our existence just as it is, and then choose to live and dance with that!! Therein lies freedom…

with love, S.

Karuna…

The more I practice being mindful, the more I realize the need to cultivate and practice karuna, or compassion. How else can we get through life when so much is changing all the time? The Buddha called the uncertainty of life, the ‘dukkha’, translated loosely as suffering, but really is the quality of dissatisfaction. What we do when we become aware of this in a momentary way makes all the difference. Dukkha exists. We can’t do much about that. How we respond though, is clearly our choice. Our conditioned response is to resist, because feeling the ouch of dukkha is painful. But not so painful as the resistance to it! When we learn to soften through our difficult times, we learn a new way of being, one that doesn’t depend so much on circumstance, and instead depends only on how willing we are to forgive and be compassionate and start over. every day, every moment, every breath.

When Anjali was really little, crying was her main form of communication. When she cried, it always threw me off-guard, in a tizzy, and I would be at a loss on how to respond. And then I realized a way to get through it. I would sing to her, and that would calm her down enough, so that I could then focus on figuring out what she really needed, with a clearer mind. And then I realized: the mind (and heart) when agitated, was very much like a baby. We could force our way in trying to figure out what was wrong. Or we could sing a gentle song, soothe the mind and then treat the wound with equanimity. It seems to me, the second approach is much gentler, and often results in a wiser response. Its something we’ll have many many opportunities to practice. Perhaps, the whole point of dukkha is to develop this compassionate heart…I think of some of my Teachers who embody this, and it gives me hope. Every moment that I have the gift of experiencing the comfort of a compassionate heart strengthens my faith. Peace is possible!

May we find ways to comfort our hearts during moments of dukkha, and find our way to peace,
with metta, Shuba

Everything passes…

Winter is slowly but surely coming to an end. Yesterday, the snow turned into rain, and last evening, we could hear the drip-drip of melting snow outside the window. This morning, the light was so beautiful, with fog-covered trees that promise to show signs of green soon. It is a reminder that all things come to an end, eventually.

There have been quite a few moments in the last few months when I have wondered aloud, how I could possibly get through this. Moments when I have said out to the universe: ‘I need a break!!’. Sometimes I think of how much we go through as human beings, and how many changes we weather, and how tenuous our existence. And my imagination boggles. My mind can’t fathom how we get through it. When I said this to my Teacher, she reminded me gently, ‘but we do’. Yes, we do get through it. All the changes, all the experiences, all the feelings. And there can be peace when we trust that.

Everything passes. Not because we will it to, but because that is the way things are. Two weeks ago, I was at a difficult place. Now, I am at a better place. I will be in difficult places again, and they will get better. Because things pass, and they change, and some things end and new things begin. Just like spring. Can we take comfort in that? Can we allow what changes to bring us peace?

With Love, Shuba.

Meeting this Moment…

One of my favorite poems is by a Zen monk Wu Men from the 12th Century, and goes as:

ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
When your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.

I love these lines. The simplicity of it and the unconditional peace that underlies it. It IS that simple. When you don’t expect this moment to be anything other than what it is, then there is profound beauty and peace in that.

It is simple, but not easy! I would be sitting with Anjali, playing with her, when this thought would come into my head: if only I could meditate now. I need only 10 minutes. Oh, imagine 10 minutes of meditation! That would feel so good. When will she sleep so I can get my 10 minutes… ? How quickly, the experience goes from enjoying my little one’s play to wanting something else other than what is. My mind chooses meditation because it is something I love very much. Your mind could choose key lime pie. Or a new car. It doesn’t matter what it is, just that wanting takes us away from the present moment.

There is a turning point in an experience like this, that repeats itself in various versions many many times in a day for each of us. It is how we respond when we realize that we are wanting. We are conditioned to judge ourselves which makes it even harder to return to the present moment.

What about a different response? Ahhh, wanting, my dear friend, there you are again! So easy, and like a mirror, we return to where we were. Ahhh, wanting. That familiar comrade of mine. So much space in that. A sense of lightness. Connection.

And then there are those moments of unconditional peace that we do experience in our lives. When we are present and don’t wish things to be other than what they are. In such moments, we can offer our gratitude. So many conditions come together to make a moment of peace happen! And like Wu Man, we understand in that moment that this right now is the best season of our lives!

With Love, Shuba

I ask for silence…

Yesterday I read this beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda called ‘I ask for silence’. Some poems are like food for the spirit. we read them and our soul sighs in deep contentment. In the poem, Neruda says:

‘But because I ask for silence,
don’t think I’m going to die.
The opposite is true;
it happens I’m going to live.

To be, and to go on being.

I will not be, however, if, inside me,
the crop does not keep sprouting,
the shoots first, breaking through the earth
to reach the light;
but the mothering earth is dark,
and, deep inside me, I am dark.
I am a well in the water of which
the night leaves stars behind
and goes on alone across fields.

It’s a question of having lived so much
that I want to live that much more. ‘

So beautiful. Who am I to comment on this? A simple ordinary soul who enjoys poetry in the dark of the night when the house has gone to sleep so that my own soul may be mothered.

Everything arises and passes away. We write. and hold on some more. and then the words too pass away. When we are willing to let go, is when everything takes on new meaning. We dance this balance between holding on, versus not caring enough. and then miraculously those moments arise when we ‘break through the earth and reach the light.’

With Love, S.

This being human is a guest house…

‘This being human is a guest house,
every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.’

I memorized these words from ‘Guest House’ by Rumi. This poem is so resonant of the experience of being human. How there is a certain ‘wonder’ about it – we never know what each day is going to bring. Literally. We have no way of knowing! Some days have it all in packets of it – the joy, the depression and the meanness. The wounds and the hurt. The gratitude and the amazement. How do we hold it all? How do we stand there as the wind blows and keep our jackets? Maybe we don’t.

He goes on to say ‘welcome and entertain them all even if they are a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture.’ Maybe it is a good thing for the furniture to go. For the house to become empty. For our selves to dissolve. The harder we hold on to our ‘selves’ and identity, the more it hurts to let them go. And the more peace we feel when we do become naked.

Rumi goes on to say: ‘the dark thought, the shame, the malice – meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.’ What a revolutionary thought! To be okay with the malice and darkness of our hearts. To invite them in, instead of turning them away at the door with a broomstick the way we customarily like to do! To be okay with the loneliness and pain that accompanies being human, for it does, as much as the happiness and joy does. To embrace the spectrum of human life – because we can, because we are alive, and because this heart can feel!!

He ends by saying, ‘Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond’. This is hard practice. It involves surrender and grace. Unconditional Love and unquestionable self-worth. Trust. And this trust is what allows us to finally BE – dance with life as it unfolds.

May we find our ways in this Universe with Love,
Shuba.

The Rhythm of Life…

It is so hard for us to trust in the rhythm of life. Even though it happens in every moment, every day: the in breath and the out breath. the expansion and the contraction. the tension and the release. The push and the pull inherent in life.

We are so caught up in the judging of our experiences, in pressing the ‘like’ and the ‘dislike’ buttons that we forget that this push and pull is life unfolding. It is how things work, it is the human experience.

Health and sickness. Another manifestation of this dance. Both Anjali and I have been sick these past couple of days with cold. Anjali is my 4-month old daughter. It has given me the opportunity to witness how each of us have gone through this experience. I have, in addition to being physically tired, added to the misery by thinking of how I brought this on to myself and her, how I could have avoided it, how this is awful, and how I wish I didn’t have to go through this. Anjali has been tired and fussy as well, but she hasn’t wished the experience otherwise. And there is something freeing in that.

We have all had times when we have gone through something difficult, but it has felt less difficult because of our acceptance of things as they are. And sometimes, it has felt tremendously hard because of our wishing things were otherwise. This too, is the push and pull we can notice. That gives us another insight into the human experience. As Rumi says, ‘Listen, and feel the beauty of your separation, the unsayable absence.’

With love, S.

Starting over…

Yesterday was New Year’s. It wasn’t the best of days here at home. Some tiredness, some tantrums, some sleepiness, some uneasiness. The day went by so quickly and I had a vague sense of dissatisfaction. Like the day had somehow fallen short of my expectations, even though I didn’t quite know what they were. I’m sure we all have had days like this.

So imagine my delight when I realized this morning that I can start over. I can begin again. Whatever those expectations were, I had the choice to drop them and come back to this day, this moment. just like that. That is what life offers us over and over again. A chance to start over. wherever we are. To come into it with a fresh perspective. To bring gratitude and love into our lives over and over again. To learn to forgive and let go. What a tremendous gift!

It leaves me expansive with delight. something so ordinary. coming back to the breath. to my feet on this ground. To my hands typing on this computer. To the sound of snow melting outside the window. Baby sleeping next to me. Very ordinary. and yet so much here!

It doesn’t matter that we get lost in our stories and expectations. Its the coming back that matters. the ability to start over. And its not a race! Even one moment of mindfulness in a day can wake us up. That’s all we need – a single moment of being present.

May we start over a million times each day!

With Love and Best wishes for a love and gratitude-filled new year, S.

Be-coming Awake, Alive, Alight…

How can we stay connected to the underlying sense of peace and ease in the middle of chaos and change? By using every moment of witnessing disconnection as an opportunity to become present.

Its like the mind: it gets distracted. That is its fundamental nature. It jumps from one thing to another, builds mountains from molehills, is highly imaginative in setting up scenarios which never happen. This is totally okay, if we know that this is simply its nature. It is doing what it is good at. And sometimes, its amazing how creative the mind can be. We of course get caught in the stories of the mind over and over again. And yet it is the realization that we are caught that has the capacity to bring us back again to the present moment. So getting caught is good! It is the window of opportunity we have to become awake again.

Awake, alive, alight
shining brightly this light
in a dark dark room
a magical sight

Witnessing these moments is the juice of the practice of mindfulness. Its when we know its working. When we can be with disconnection and simply accept it for what it is, that is when we know we are truly present!

And then the magic happens. From this witnessing arises beautiful action. wisdom. Its like a white-board. There is all this writing on it that seems so solid. And all it takes is an eraser, and its all gone! The white board is now empty, clear, reminding us of the freedom that is possible. We will write again on the board, it will again become cluttered. probably in no time. But we know – that it can become empty again. All it needs is for us to notice. and reach for that eraser. That is the moment of truth.

May we play with the chaos of life in new creative ways that enlighten and enliven us.

with warmth, S.