A glimpse into darkness..

After a hiatus from my writing, today I have the urge to write in this space again. An urge to simply put my thoughts into words and let them flow.

I reached a pretty dark place a few weeks back. A crisis of my faith. In me, in this universe. It happened when I suddenly realized that my spiritual journey was becoming yet another vehicle to escape the reality. Yet another project to complete and fulfill, the end of which was enlightenment. It was becoming a 12 step procedure that I could complete and the move on to the next agenda. And I was disillusioned that though I was following the steps, I was reaching nowhere. And that I wanted to be somewhere, not nowhere! Interestingly, I had forgotten the essential principle of buddhism, of life. Aimlessness. That where I am, this nowhere, is what is real. There is no other place to be!

I also realized that I wanted to be this other person, this vision of an ideal Shuba. loving unconditionally, flowing with the milk of human kindness and compassion, epitome of grace and dignity. and I was realizing that that was unfortunately not me! It was with a sinking heart that I realized that I was still human! and I was going to be human for a while.

Then came the period of reckoning. of accepting who I am right now. A guardian angel reminded me that to be human is divine. That everything we feel each day-every joy and every sorrow makes us alive. Every imperfection makes us perfect. And in accepting, and experiencing the truth in every moment without turning away, we reclaim our right to be here on this earth. We were dealt the cards when we were born. We suffer. and we feel. There is no way out of this. There is only a way in.

The way in, is to feel all of it. To rejoice in our senses. To get trapped a million times and awaken a million times. To be aimless. To have no other intention than to enjoy what comes along, whether we like it or not. and most of all, to forgive ourselves when we don’t. They say, to err is human. to forgive is divine. Maybe because our forgiveness of ourselves and others brings us closer to the divine.

For in fact, we are basically good people. We try our best everyday at whatever we do, in the ways we know how. We all want good things to happen. our lives to be meaningful. and we try. that is what matters. and we need to appreciate that more often. appreciate the basic goodness in ourselves and others. and the dignity inside of us, the amazing strength we carry to get through things. whether we suffer or not, we survive. and we need to give ourselves credit for that. for being there. being a player in this game. Being alive in this world. at this moment in time. Being here right now.

Here is to the innate goodness inside all of us.

With kindness, S.


One thought on “A glimpse into darkness..

  1. S – I think that perhaps in another life I will have the kind of serenity you speak of. I’m not ready for it yet. I don’t want it yet! I want just enough discomfort to leap out of bed in the morning, eager and forceful. Unfortunately, I rarely “leap,” but that’s my own thorn in the side… fatigue, lethargy, I find it hard to STOP STRUGGLING with…. I want just enough darkness to still want to shine, just enough lacking to still want to create. I think I am just a little wicked, because I want to dance and I WANT EVERYONE to watch…. But then, I just turned 60… maybe I am entering my second childhood…. Wishing you love, grace, blessings, and a bit of mischief …. Mary *** “A bit of mischief” — I think I’ll blog that!

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