Thats all I really want to hear when I’m down. when I’m confused. when I judge myself. when I’m angry or upset. simple words. no solutions. just that – ‘I understand. and I’m here for you’. And not just say the words but mean it with heart and soul.
when I was sick, I went through bouts of crushing sadness and aloneness. wishing I were a kid again – because life is difficult sometimes when you grow up. you have to ‘deal with things’ yourself. there isn’t a mom who tells you, don’t worry things are going to be okay. and it was a powerful realization yet again – that I had to be that mom, that friend to myself. That was a necessary step to open up to others’ kindnesses. we have to be there for ourselves first before we can expect or appreciate it from others.
Being there when things are not going well needs enormous amount of compassion. It needs unconditional love and faith in oneself. That no matter how bad things appear at the moment, you are supported and not alone. and loved for being yourself. nothing has to be changed in the equation. Its perfect as it is.
compassion for oneself is a lovely journey. It needs waking up over and over again, with nothing but kindness. and no expectations. and cherishing our eccentricities. and finding humor in it 🙂 and boundless love.
Here is a poem I wrote for myself on one of these occasions : when I wasn’t there when ‘I’ was called.
A letter of apology
You came to me in darkest depths,
I rejected your being, your soul
Even if momentary, it hurt deeply
for you and for me.
The doors shut, what cruelty-
I knew not within me
Yet, as I saw your soul cry,
I ran to embrace and hold
A moment late, yet here I am
To love and be loved.
O dear one with the largest heart,
Can you not forgive me?
You can see the depths of my soul-
you know the stars that lie there
twinkling, waiting to light up.
A moment of ignorance, of turning away-
I cannot take the clock back
Yet-I am here now. just for you.
My heart open for anything.
You can show me anger,
or play with me-
I hold only love.
The moment of heedlessness
may come again
Yet this I promise: there is always love
in this infinite heart for you.
With love, S.