wanting and giving..

You know those moments when you yearn for someone to love you just utterly and completely – see all the beautiful and complex things in you, hold you as the center of the world – just find you the most charming person in the universe. yes there are moments when people make us feel that way. and there are others when we want to have someone make us feel that way.

I am realizing that at those moments when we want this – when we want utter hopeless love for ourselves – the only person capable of giving it to us – is ourselves. it is simply the truth. the moment we turn to someone else to do it – we are resigning ourselves to more suffering. the world outside can never satisfy this soul need for love and caring in the way we want – simply because only we know what we need. and only we can give it to ourselves.

and that realization is one of the biggest things that can happen to us in life – when it happens in real time. that all the happiness we truly desire is within ourselves. it is in doing what we love, loving who we are, and appreciating what we have.

It came to me yesterday after a stressful few moments. I was lying there on the bed feeling sorry for myself – for no apparent reason. My shoulders felt prickles – I wanted someone to massage them. someone to soothe my ego. I was a child. I lie there glaring at my pillow and the world – wouldn’t the cosmos give me what I want ? make the person I love a mind-reader or send an amazing phone call ? I lay there utterly aware of how childish my feelings and yet knowing this is how I feel. and then my rationality took over. I will just have to give myself what I want.

So I gave myself 45 minutes of restorative yoga – the most wonderful gift ever! after relaxing in various poses and listening to my favorite music, I felt less needy. and a renewed sense of confidence – that yes I could give myself that fabulous love I yearned for sometimes. It is okay to feel like the six year old when you know how to be take care of her. and its actually pretty cool to be able to take care of yourself like that!

so next time you wish that something, from someone – spare yourself the suffering – and give yourself that gift of love. of completely and utterly loving who you are, no holds barred. You will just appreciate it so much more when you get it from others.

with love, S.


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