Shuba’s Weblog

Journeys of the soul…

A gentle witness to the mind…

on August 20, 2010

what am I trying to write about today ?

Loopyness of the mind. My mind has officially become loopy. and there is no way around it, I have to admit it. Most often I start writing, and I have no idea what I’m writing about. 10 minutes later, I have forgotten what my original intention was in getting on my blog. I think the biggest practice my pregnancy is teaching me is to let go of the need to be a certain way, to identify with what I thought was my ‘self’. A self, if there was one, I no longer remember. And I have to start over again and again. What could be a better practice for me? Someone who loves accomplishment.

I sit diligently on my cushion everyday, and after my meditation practice, I have no idea what I just did, and I have to start over as soon as I step outside the room. You might ask, why I take the trouble then, to sit. That is where my faith in my knowing has deepened. Some core part of me appreciates the deep peace and well-being I feel after sitting. But it cannot use any words to describe them, nor can it hold on to them. In some way, every day, I feel like a beginner, because I don’t remember what my previous sit was like.

I know, I could easily get distraught about this fact – of losing my identity. But I don’t, because I recognize that getting distraught doesn’t help. Gentleness and compassion on the other hand, does. Surrounding myself with people who understand and are supportive helps. So that is what I practice. A much needed lesson in letting go, starting over and new found appreciation for things that I may have missed before.

Having a loopy mind, it turns out, has benefits 🙂 Of course, they say, after child birth, all the hormones come crashing down, and I will probably return to my neurotic, obsessive and controlling self. But for now, lets just say, this actually may be the best thing that ever happened to me.

With honesty, S.

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