Shuba’s Weblog

Journeys of the soul…

connecting with disconnection…

on August 22, 2011

This morning I found myself thinking about how painful it feels to be disconnected from our selves – the confusion, the judging, the self-doubt and the lack of equanimity. How it starts out with a tiny thought somewhere arising from resistance to something painful, just a tiny thought, which unchecked grows into a mountain of self-doubt and grief.

When we learn to be with the places of disconnection, of lack of equanimity, we train our minds and hearts to be open with what is, without turning away.

I have often found with myself that when disconnection arises, I will do anything to avoid feeling it! My usual companions are resisting, judging, turning away, trying to figure out why, self-pity. Except that all of these are actually more painful that the disconnection itself! It invariably happens that I can’t take the resisting and the self-drama in my head anymore. And after exhausting my options – I finally, sit with it.

Yesterday, in pursuing this course, as I sat on the cushion, I picked up my favorite volume of Rumi’s poetry, and turned to a random poem which happened to ‘Undressing’: ‘learn the alchemy that true human beings know – the moment you accept what troubles you have been given, the doors will open’.

The doors did not open immediately. My first thought was ‘but I’m not able to accept my troubles!‘ I noticed this for what it was, and kept centering on the breath. As various emotions came up: grief, pain, figuring out, judgment, I kept coming back. Somehow the fact that I was sitting here on this cushion right now, because I cared, came into my head. It softened the judgment. It brought in friendliness. And with friendliness came the ability to be with pain without turning away. And compassion.

Sitting practice is funny that way. Nothing happens for a while, and all you do is sit, breathe and be. And suddenly you notice that something has shifted. Space has come in. the disconnection that you found so painful isn’t there anymore! That is the moment of joy, of ‘the undressing and the sweetness that comes after the grief.’ (Rumi). That moment is why I sit. I hope I never forget that.

May we have peace in our lives.
With Love, Shuba.

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