Shuba’s Weblog

Journeys of the soul…

Goodbye…

on April 5, 2012

Just last week I was still employed with the college I have worked at for over ten years, and now I no longer am. Its like it never existed, gone, a decade of doing a certain kind of work and being a certain kind of person. As the zen saying goes, now, there is no trace. In a few weeks, my email id too will expire, and then I will no longer be in the system. Perhaps it will be like I never existed at the college. My office occupied by somebody else, someone more ambitious than me, more hard working and capable and some one who will perhaps move up the ladder, into a bigger office. And then, before you know it, somebody else will have moved in. The nametag outside the door, printed on white paper, will be removed by some graduate student who moves into the outer space enclosing my old office – who will maybe wonder for a second, who this person was. Who may hear of me perhaps over some chance conversation about molar absorption spectra. But there the curiosity will end – there is too much work to do!

And I, as I start a new kind of life, will wonder every now and then about my old life, and what people are working on – which new research project and which new grant. It will be a passing inquiry, a sort of wondering that that doesn’t hold on. My attention will wander to other things and I will soon have forgotten about that momentary inquiry. Or perhaps on a sunny Tuesday day, when I’m sitting outside with Anjali watching her play, I will thank my lucky stars that I’m not at the weekly group meeting we always had on Tuesday mornings, that has governed more schedules in my life than anything else. Or perhaps, I will bump into my ex-Boss in town while grocery shopping, and smile at him with the same care I have always felt for him – a camaraderie for someone who is a good man and works hard. Or maybe it will be his wife I meet, and we will exchange greetings. If I’m with Anjali, she will exclaim at how much Anji has grown and changed, and that will be what marks the passage of time.

I haven’t yet thought of what will replace the energy I gave my job for so many years – all of my twenties. Part of the question has already been answered this past year and half – through becoming a Mom and the energy and attention it takes both of the mind and the body. And how in the midst of reacting to a stream of changes, of happenings, of every day routine, there are these pauses that stop time and make me speechless in awe that my life has changed so much, more than I could ever have imagined. These pauses are the reminder that in spite of that shoulder ache or that tight back muscle, my heart feels more and more open. Open in that sweet love that a parent feels for his or her child and in compassion for myself for all the times I fail to be who I want to be. In these moments, life becomes more alive than ever, and feelings become beautiful and there is an ache in the heart sometimes, a wanting to stop time so that I can hold on to this moment just a little more. This hug from my little girl, of touching her small hands, and hearing her new words, and witness her tireless and fearless ability to want to learn new words, actions and way of being.

Leaving science, I’ve somehow made my way to being with the coolest scientist I have ever known – always wanting to explore and view things differently. I’m in awe of this process – of watching her brain make new connections each day, each connection leading to more questions and a sort of wonder and joy at all that life holds. In these moments, when I feel this ache, I want to hold on desperately for just one more second. Then I remember Blake’s words,

‘He who binds to himself, a joy
Does the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity’s sunrise.’

And I want to live in eternity’s sunrise. So here I am, in a different place at a different time, leaving something old, and finding something new. I hope I never lose that sense of gratitude and affection for all that my old has taught me and all the ways I have grown in this past decade working the way I did. It has made me who I am, and brought me to this juncture in time. Now it is time to say my good bye, fondly and with affection. The bells are ringing and it’s time to board the train, a new one this time for a different destination. This new journey is promising – more time, more love, more passion and learning. I intend to enjoy this train ride as much as possible and at some point, I will maybe find out where the train is headed…Or maybe not. Right now, I only have intentions – to read, write, teach, follow my passions, be present and never forget to love each day, every day.

With Love, S.

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6 responses to “Goodbye…

  1. anuvenkat says:

    Hey shuba… I can completely relate to this .. as some one who said goodbye 4 years ago to saying hello again now. The feelings are different, Is this why they say motherhood is always about walking the tight rope>. But the last 4 years have taught me a lot … what a little smile speaks is more than what one can gain at workplace. Quality time or Quantity of time is not the question being there at the right time is something that means a lot to a mother and a child.

    I loved these 4 years , and now as i am saying hello to a new world the same anxiety , and the same hesitation at a change strikes me but then as we move along I have come to realise the power of the line someone penned… The moment is now , but remember this too shall pass.

    • Shuba says:

      Dear Anu,
      Beautifully said, and thank you for sharing. ‘The moment is now,this too shall pass’, a beautiful reminder, and apt for the changes that keep coming our way…wish you the very best Anu, and a lot of kindness as you navigate yet another change…

      Warmly,
      Shuba

  2. StillValerie says:

    Hi Shuba:

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my recent post.

    Change, change. change….It happens all around us and within us. Change is a universal truth. Glad to read that you are embracing and accepting it and opening yourself to the new world of possibilities. You might find this an interesting read about change (http://thestillspot.wordpress.com/2011/11/09/the-times-they-are-a-changin/)

    Blessings for a Happy Easter and an abundant life!

  3. Maha says:

    Shuba,

    Best wishes as you turn a new leaf. Here’s wishing you enjoy every moment of it!

    Best,
    Suman

    • Shuba says:

      Thank you Suman. I know there will be moments when I will wonder aloud what the heck am I doing…But for the most part this feels like the right thing..

      Be well you too,
      Shuba

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