Shuba’s Weblog

Journeys of the soul…

Bird wings…

on July 26, 2012

This morning was hard. Lately the mornings have been hard. Anji has been waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning and sometimes both. And we bring her over to our bed – and after that, any sleep, if existent is broken – with her turns around and her breathing and her milky honey like scent pervading my consciousness. My consciousness isn’t mine anymore. Most times, this feels like a tender and sweet intrusion to my dreams, but sometimes, I just want to sleep. I want a lot of sleep. So much sleep, as much as a human being can possibly get.

My child’s colds make this scenario worse – more Mama time, more clinginess and comfort – to be expected for all of us when we are sick, but somehow the toll is always on Mama.

So this morning after dropping off my nearly 2-year old at day care, which she did not want and made her protests clear, I made my way to yoga Level I. Sometimes I’m wary of the levels – I can’t always do what I think I can and that sometimes overstretches me. But today the level was just what my body needed. I slowly settled in, letting all the judgments drop as Sharon’s kind words made its way to my heart. This felt familiar. My body responded of its own wisdom so that I could finally relax into my own being. At one point, Sharon said, discover your strength. I had forgotten I had strength! It felt marvelous to own up to my body and my strength.

So here I am, after yoga, at my favorite café, where the people behind the counter are quietly friendly, writing.

I want to write about the rain and the sunshine. The alternating dance between the two – and one that is essential. I want to write about Rumi’s words in ‘Bird wings’, ‘Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes. if it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed.’ I want to write about how suffering is hard, change is hard. And change happens all the time. Children grow up and their needs change. The peace we are sure has taken root in our hearts and will always be there, dissolves leaving us in tears. Friendships change and people disappoint us sometimes. Our hearts sag under the pain, until the time when we discover the strength within. And as the saying goes, there is no greater strength than gentleness.

It is always gentleness that makes me find my way again. It is gentleness towards myself, and all my failings. Like being unable to be present with my daughter when I drop her at daycare and she is in tears, and I don’t have the right words to console her because I desperately need this day for me. To be unable to say the right words to my husband when he asks me at 4.30 this morning, is everything okay, and its not and I want him to help but I also want him to go back to sleep because I know he has a busy day ahead. My failing to pick up the phone and call my friends when I feel alone – that makes me feel more alone.

It’s always gentleness that brings me back. An intention that is picked up again by my heart in full force, out of desperation. And I find the strength again to life up my head and my shoulders and start over.

With Love, S.

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4 responses to “Bird wings…

  1. StillValerie says:

    Thanks for sharing this story of you, Shuba. May you be blessed and may you find moments to connect to that inner strength that is within you.

  2. Shuba says:

    Thank you StillValerie – for your generosity and support on this path and this practice.

    Warmly,
    Shuba

  3. Maha says:

    Bed times can be frustrating at our end, as we have not sleep trained Ram. He needs us to be with him until he falls sleeps. Most times, I enjoy being there with him physiclaly, but sometimes I feel the pull to catch up some me time, finish some chores and so on and so forth.

    One of things that I have learnt from your practice is how critical it is to be compassionate to oneself. For me, the compossion for the self flows in only when I stop judging myself and accept myself for who I am. Then I am at peace and compassion is a natural by product.

    • Shuba says:

      So beautifully said, Maha. Sometimes we have to accept ourselves and our needs – and then we can make space! and there is peace. Thank you! One of the beauties of technology and internet is the connecting of kindred spirits across time and space…

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