what do we do ?

What is compassion when your two year old is screaming at around 3.00 in the morning – and nothing you do is exactly right. What do you do when you find that softness in your heart that comes when you look at her sweet body and warm self seems to be utterly missing and there seems no hope in sight. You just want to curl up in bed and ask someone else to make everything okay, but no someone else is Mama! How do you keep your cool when your child is crying and you really have to pee, so that you can all go to bed but even peeing in the middle of the night feels like a luxury, and not just a luxury but the very thing that has turned this night upside down. What do you do when you wake up in the morning, after a groggy couple of hours sleeping next to your two year old, and she is getting down the bed; and before you have been able to awaken the consciousness to get out of the bed, she has peed – on the carpet in front of your altar. What do you do with all the judging thoughts resounding in your head that you suck as a parent and that patience and loving-kindness you want to embody is falling short.

Maybe we learn to recognize how difficult it is when we are hugely attached – as we are to our babies. And what a difficult journey motherhood is. We recognize that we are vulnerable, and that softness can go a long way. We make room for forgiveness for ourselves and our hearts that sometimes fail us despite our best intentions. We learn to love ourselves again and discover our children again on a new day. The sun is shining, the morning is bright and we pick up the pieces and start over again.

With Love, S.


3 thoughts on “what do we do ?

  1. And what do you do when you are sick as a dog, and the kid wants to tell you all about dance practice in school, while all you want to do is curl up and lie down?
    I feel so much like a bad mom right now, and the stomach is not making it any better ! I wish I could pick up the pieces of her heart I broke by snapping at her while she was rattling off today.

    1. I totally understand and relate. Being a mom is hard work. And much harder when you feel sick! Hope you feel well soon. I’m sure your daughter will feel better too once you are yourself.

      Sending metta, S.

  2. Mothering can be SO hard — you are so wise to let yourself simply start over, day after day, sometimes minute after minute — and know that kids are resilient and tough and have no perspective at all, whatsoever! Anjali has no idea at 2 in the morning that anything is ever going to get better…. but she is learning from her wonderful mother.

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