conditional love…

This weekend I realized something about myself – that I constantly look for things to prove that I am worthy of love. I constantly try to find justifications and reasons why I should love myself. and why others should love me. entirely subconsciously of course. And I get frustrated when things are not going the way I want, when I am not ‘great’ – because that may mean I am not worthy of love!!

and I am also realizing I am not the only one. There are so many of us who feel like we have to earn our love. earn our worth. that it is not something we can take for granted. so we keep trying and trying endlessly. and we get disappointed a lot. naturally when you look for something outside, you are bound to be disappointed. Its something about our society that has encouraged this thinking – ‘don’t love yourself too much – you are not perfect. don’t feel too good about yourself. you may develop hubris. you are not entitled to it. because you haven’t done this and this and this. ‘ or ‘you have done this, or achieved this – and so you are lovable’.

what a funny way to think! and why! ? why bring on so much suffering into our lives? why constantly try to prove ourselves ? here is a shift in the paradigm : ‘I am fundamentally lovable. I don’t have to do a single thing to earn it. nothing I do today can change that. and everything that happens today is a chance to witness this love inside me. I know its there and I want to appreciate it.’

Gosh – I love that thought! you know, if we thought that way, we would never hate anyone. we would never judge anyone by any kind of standards. and when we we love ourselves in this way, we can give it more naturally without expectations. because there is nothing needed to complete us – we are already complete just as we are.

self- love is not easy. if it were we would all be doing it. but it can be a practice. a practice of awareness and loving-kindness. and its something worth cultivating for peace on this earth. for when we are in peace, we bring peace wherever we go.

may we walk in beauty and love wherever we go.
with love, S.