April – May Reflections

April 2018

April was a month of connecting with old friends. After nearly 13 years, I visited with my college roommate and her family in North Carolina. Another dear friend flew in from Canada to join us turning our time together into a rocking reunion. It was amazing to see each other and to begin where we left off, to share our journeys, our lives, and to realize that even though we have all changed so much over the years, we are also all still the same; there is an unchanged core within us – almost as if even back then, one could look through and see the futures each of us has chosen! We stayed up each night until late, chatting, the way we used to back in hostel days. I look at our pictures of being together, and we all look radiant! It was also tremendous fun for our kids to connect; and to see my friends in their children, like this continuity of life through the next generation.

Interestingly, around the same time, I was connected with my department buddies back from college through Whatsapp. This too was bittersweet – to see family photos of college classmates and get a snapshot of past and present. Things we remember (and don’t remember!) back from those days. To learn where each person is, and how their journey has been in the past 17 years. It was also interesting how much of the music I (and others in the group!) remembered from college days and the memories associated with the songs. Recently, I heard on NPR that our brain makes associations with music and life experiences more vividly from ages of 17 – 21. It made so much sense; how often music from that time transports me back instantly to key experiences from that time…

What I did find was that my mind juggling between past and present started to get tiring; and while introspection and reflection can be so powerful, I feel much more grounded anchored in the present! A weekend break from my phone was much needed and deserved!

What has April brought for you? Or May and spring? I’m just catching up on my blog, as you can tell!

With Love, S.

Musings on a plane ride…

April 14, 2018

We are 26000 feet about ground, my seven year old daughter Anji and I. What is it about being high up that brings such perspective? It is finally April break, and we are on the way to seeing my dear buddies from college – a last minute impromptu trip. And all my morning struggles of getting laundry done, packing, having breakfast and getting ready to leave for our trip seem so minor right now up here in the sky. I feel more relaxed and happy than I remember feeling this week, and Anji seems much calmer as well. Without the distractions of everyday life, I have enjoyed her company these last few hours, of reading a book together, hearing her talk about her toys, watching a service dog together, commenting on various peoples’ shoes, checking out others luggages…you get the gist! We finished Spiderwick chronicles book 2 together and now we will have to wait to borrow the next one from the library.

Anji even slept, head on my lap, on the coach to Boston, sweet darling warm and sweaty and in her own thoughts and dreams. Maybe this is why I love traveling, going somewhere and getting out of my usual routine, this chance to witness my loved ones up close and seeing the amazing qualities they possess that makes me love them so much!

With love, S.

Changing selves…changing relationships…

I have often thought about this question: do we change with time? Is there an essential part of us that stays the same? When I visit India and see old friends, I’m often told that I haven’t changed at all. And yet, I also know that like a new haircut or a way of dressing, there is always change on the outside, but also on the inside. To me it feels like every experience we have, every person with whom we have a meaningful interaction, changes us in some way. When I think back on my own life, I can point to not just the people who have come and gone and changed me in some way, but also to specific experiences connected to those people, that have remained with me. It sometimes feels to me like I am a screen on which experiences pass through like a movie, but I as a screen also change and evolve in color and texture.

Obviously, the most significant people in my life have changed/transformed me the most. I know that my own choices in relationships have made me who I am today, every step of the way. My partner, my daughter, my closest friends have made me who I am, or maybe MORE of who I am even as I become more of them! But then also are the people who come into our lives not by choice, but by chance or without choice. These people, close family members, room mates, neighbors, people we have seen everyday at some point in our life, too change us, impacting us in ways we can never expect, more so perhaps than the people we choose to have in our life. This ME is colored by all of these experiences, and relationships…

I think of friends from the past, their sweet contributions to my self, moments shared over joy or despair, camaraderie or friendship, a friendly acquaintance or a deep relationship. I think of friends who are no longer in my life but have somehow changed the direction that my life was headed, like a river that is gently moved to a slightly different path. I think of friends who have provided that helping hand without expecting anything in return, during sickness or a crisis; during a rough spot or a smile on a difficult day. I think of the amazing thing about serendipity. Do we attract the people in our lives? Or do they arrive perhaps sent by a guardian angel somewhere looking out for us, giving us a chance on change, on possibility, on trying a different experience than we have been used to…

I think of the unexpectedness of it all. Bumping into a familiar face after a long time and how that can literally change the course of our lives. (That has happened to me, with one of my closes friends!). I do believe, every person in our life has a role to play, somehow, sent at just the right time, to be there in some way that we perhaps cannot comprehend. Sometimes, other stuff (like our own issues!) get in the way, but ultimately, every moment offers the potential for newness, of rediscovering ourselves in ways we cannot know, cannot conceive or imagine, and of appreciating the mystery and possibilities in life. Even when experiences are unpleasant, we do learn something; if nothing else, we can always learn compassion!

May we continually remind ourselves to be present and open to all that unfolds in life. Here is to embracing all of our experiences and gratitude for all the people who have touched us with their love and friendship!

With love, S.

Moon and clouds, Mountain and valley…

‘Moon and clouds are the same

Mountain and valley are different

All are blessed, all are blessed

Is this one or is this two? ‘

 

This beautiful zen poem by Wu Men came into my mind today. Anjali (nickname Anji), my six and a half year old daughter has a soft spot for babies and stuffies. She loves her snugglies – she has about a hundred of them in her room, and is always looking to add a new one. For a while there, I bought every lego set, gears, blocks I could, and then I realized that she didn’t care for building, all the blocks came in handy only to play house with her stuffies. She loves to invent and create and to her, building was incidental – the story it helped make was what she was interested in. Anjali has always loved stories – I believe that is how she taught herself to read – the possibility that she could have direct access to them without waiting for an adult to read them to her!

Anyhow, this is incidental to my main story today. A couple of days ago, Anji mentioned the notion that I loved her more when she was a baby. We had visited a neighbor’s baby and she was touched by how beautiful the baby was and how tiny. She was drawn into that quiet love, and perhaps without having a tangible memory, she was lamenting the days gone of being held and taken care of. I vehemently tried to rationalize with her – how I loved her so much more having seen her grow and become who she is. But I could tell that she thought they were just rationalizations.

So coming to Wu Men’s poem. ‘Moon and clouds are the same’. It made me think of this phase in a mother’s life (and child’s life) where there is no separation between child and parent. When Anji was little, what she felt was what I felt! I could not separate her tears, her tantrums, nor her joy and her delight from mine. Every new step she took was also a new step for me. We grew together and as she learned the first steps of independence and growth, so did I. Through preschool and kindergarten; she blossomed first into learning her capabilities and boundaries and then exploring her social life. I was by her side, and yet also giving her increasing level of independence. And then before we knew it, our little girl was off to first grade! A whole day of school, of new rules, of learning, of so much creativity and managing so many relationships of her own. My girl took a big step forward. And so did I.

So did I – into rediscovering myself. I dipped back into books, into having my relationships in a new way and mostly giving permission to myself to explore what I wanted. When this phase began, I don’t know. And while, it has felt like this was necessary for me to grow, I have never really given thought to the end that it brought too – the end of an era of togetherness of moods, joys and a baby-mothering love. Perhaps, this is what Anji laments, and yearns for, this end of a time in a mother and child’s life even as she steps so confidently into a world that she navigates herself for so much of the day, so bravely and joyfully.

‘Mountain and valley are different’. And yet – are we different? Sometimes I think Anji can read minds – she will say what I’m thinking, or know how I feel. She doesn’t miss a nuance. And I know every tear and laugh of hers. Especially when she gets silly and laughs just like she did as a baby. Sometimes, in the busyness of life, I’m distracted running from one thing to the other, and it is she who stops me. ‘Mom, are you stressed?’ My Buddha baba asks. Sweet pea, thanks for the reminder! We learn something each day. That everything comes a full circle. And ‘All are blessed, All are blessed!’ I don’t know whether this is one, or is this two, but I know it changes depending on the day. As Wu Men also said:

‘ten thousand flowers in spring, moon in autumn

cool breeze in summer, snow in winter

when your mind isn’t clouded by unnecessary things

this is the best season of your life!’

 

So here is a reminder to enjoy the season of mothering that you are in.

With love, S.

 

March reflections and April anticipations…

March has flown by! It was a busy month but in a good way. Here were some of the highlights of March for us:

• Going to Boston to celebrate my niece’s second birthday! It was wonderful to visit and celebrate together and eat amazing food cooked by my sister. Now my niece routinely yells out ‘periyammmaa’ on Facetime, a wonderful feeling!
• Going to Kripalu as a chaperone with a group of high school students. This was my first trip overnight as a chaperone – we were gone for 4 days – and it was an incredible experience. I got to know the students and the other teachers whom I traveled with better and make new connections. It was during the snow storm mid March and it was so beautiful to watch all the snow from inside. It was truly a retreat, with a lot of yoga, relaxation and mindfulness activities.
• Anji performed in her first skating show! To raise money for the local children’s hospital, over 50 skaters performed in the show. That last weekend in March was packed with rehearsals and volunteering to get the kids on the ice for their part of the show. It was amazing to watch Anji and just how much fun she had on the ice! It made all the time freezing in the ice rink while she had her lessons so worth it! I felt proud of my diva and her strong will and determination – ice skating was entirely her idea and she worked so hard. I’m proud of you my baba!
• Watching movies (Beauty and the Beast) and shows (most notably, ‘Humsafar’, a Pakistani show that was emotional moving, tender, a powerhouse of acting talent and the bonus: the music was incredible!) and reading books (Now on the seventh Harry Potter book – so addicted to this series! ) got us through most of the month and the snow.
• Instant Pot! After hearing my sister rave about it, Daalu purchased it and has taken to cooking on it everyday. And being on the receiving side of it, I can tell you, it is amazing! The food tastes better, there is less hassle and every day, I have lunch packed for me by Daalu from left overs – there is such abundance of food in our home now thanks to Instant Pot!

I feel ready to welcome April. We just finished the third quarter of the year this week at school so grading is at a peak. The bright side of it is getting to listen to the feedback from the students on how things are going for them in my classes. Especially fun are my math one-on-ones – 10 min conversations with my calculus students on calculus, their successes, hobbies and interests. It’s so fun to connect with these students outside of class and it makes me realize even more how much I love my job.

Another week of school before we have spring break and head to Orlando for Disney time! Hoping to make it to Hogwarts and Kennedy Space center, and watching Anji on roller coasters, and most of all, hoping for spring and some warm weather (and no more snow storms! ). Wish you a wonderful, fun, fulfilling, amazing April and Easter!

With love,

S.

Relationships, pain and compassion…

I have been thinking recently of relationships – firstly of how I relate with myself – what is the tone of my inner voice and the quality of my attention. Just how much judging and doubt I bring into it – that mostly starts just as a tiny voice that simply wants to be heard. And also about how I relate to the people around me – especially my daughter Anjali.

At eighteen months, Anji has gone through a new development these past couple of weeks–that of developing emotions and their wider range – and with it, the struggle to hold them. The frustration at things not going her way, the disappointment when things end, and pain that she can’t have all her desires fulfilled. At 5.30am, she doesn’t understand why she can’t go out and see the construction (‘uction’ as she calls it…) And she can’t understand why after she had such a great time with her friend Tali yesterday, she has to leave and go down for a nap. Even though nap she did.

And when she woke up and Tali was not there, she cried. Normally my way of relating to her crying would become to make it about me – how I’m failing as a Mother or not doing the right thing for my daughter. Oh the helplessness of watching one’s child cry and not being able to fix it. But here was the opportunity for teaching empathy and compassion.

So yesterday when she cried, I held her and I gave her the words: ‘Anji upset, Anji crying. Anji miss Tali’. She cried some more and repeated ‘Tali Tali’. I listened and nodded and murmured my understanding. I held her some more. ‘Yes, miss Tali’. A few moments later, the crying gave way to whimpering. And soon after, it was replaced with the delight of playing. The tears were forgotten in jumping on the sofa and reading Danny Digger’s truck.

That was a breakthrough for our changing relationship and a valuable reminder for me yet again – that when we are pain, all we need is a simple acknowledgement and understanding. We don’t need fixes and we don’t need solutions. Just being heard is enough.

So when we sit with our own pain and breathe with our heartbreak, that’s what we do. We listen. We don’t react and we don’t try to figure it out. We listen deeply, attentively, and caringly. Our hearts feel like they are going to break, but we keep listening. And then something miraculous starts to happen. Our hearts start to open. The pain starts to feel sweet like wine because there is compassion. And tender like the morning after rain. And in that silence, we see the beauty of our longing for connection, peace, end of suffering and freedom. In that instant, we become free. Free to experience life in the moment – free to be present and make room for joy, gladness, peace or whatever emotion arises next. Joy too will not last forever, as nothing will, but we will be a bit wiser, a bit more gentle with our pain the next time around.

Wishing peace, S.